Eva Jaber ’28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
I usually start with an anecdote, but I think we just have to get right into this one. The question of the week is as follows:
“Is it bad if I date my ex’s brother?”
We have to weigh the pros and cons here. But first, let me walk you through my methodology.
Many readers are likely unaware that a substantial amount of research goes into each issue of “Eva’s Apple.” This week, I spent about 45 seconds typing “Was Pythagoras ever involved in a love triangle?” into Google. I now know that there is no evidence of this. Bummer. Still, I think it would be productive for this issue to spend a few seconds on our boy Pythagoras and what he left behind: a love of triangles. I haven’t thought about anything geometry-related since high school, but my brother studied math in college and I was trying to think of a way to make this issue more accessible for people of his kind, to bridge the gap between readers in love triangles and readers who love triangles.
Here’s what I came up with: When it comes to television, it’s always love triangle this and love triangle that without any focus on the shape of the proverbial triangle. Like, do you expect me to believe that Jeremiah, Conrad and Belly in “The Summer I Turned Pretty” are in an equilateral love triangle? That’s an insult to my intelligence. If we place one character at each point of a triangle, Jeremiah should be plotted way further from Belly than Conrad would be, which means the triangle should be isosceles or scalene. The same would be true for Alex in “My Life With the Walter Boys” as he competes with Cole for Jackie’s heart. My point? Jeremiah and Alex never had a chance against the other love interests. Plotting them equidistantly from the others makes no sense. In fact, I take issue with the triangle thing altogether. Both pairings of love interests for the female protagonists in those shows — Conrad and Jeremiah as well as Alex and Cole — are brothers. There would obviously be no triangle side signifying romantic love connecting one brother to the other, so it’s more of like a love angle than a true love triangle.
From this perspective, dating your ex’s brother should theoretically be less problematic than dating their friend, because the added drama of a third side of the triangle is out of the question. I guess another pro would be that, if you liked your ex, their sibling is probably more similar to them than some random joe shmo off the street. And if you don’t like your ex, what better revenge is there than dating their sibling? Well, Eva’s Apple #2 (my magnum opus) has a goose-related answer to that question, but we’ll look past that for the time being.
You want more pros? I got you. You won’t have to meet the parents all over again because you’ve already met them. If you envisioned yourself taking your ex’s last name you probably still will if you marry their brother. If your ex has a dog, you might still get to see it during family holidays. It would be a crazy story to tell your kids that you once dated Uncle Chud. The list goes on, but I have a word limit.
Before I continue, I’m going to ask you to critically engage with whether you are considering dating your ex’s brother because you genuinely like the brother or because you want to make your ex jealous and win them back. If you’re considering starting a family, you have to keep in mind that the partner you choose will be helping you raise your children. This means they have to be smart. So, assuming that your ex and their brother are your best two options, you have to determine which one of them is better marriage material. I suggest you do so through a battle of wits, resolving to pursue courtship with the winner. “But Eva,” you ask, “because intelligence comes in so many different forms, is there really a surefire way to measure whether one person is ‘smarter’ than another?” Yes, dear reader; there is such a test. And it’s not an IQ test. It’s an online trivia game called Krillion.
I guarantee you that whichever sibling is better at Krillion is the one you should spend the rest of your life with. Ask your ex and their brother to meet you at a cafe and insist they bring a computer or mobile device. Then, ask them to look up Krillion.io and have them play the Daily Dive, which is a series of questions that ask you to name the rarest answers you can think of in seven given categories. I cannot think of a single reason why your soulmate shouldn’t be able to name a deep-cut Pixar protagonist or come up with a lesser-known national capital that starts with an A. In fact, go play Krillion yourself right now, and you’ll see how this game immediately reveals how special someone is. It’s the only way to find out if your ex’s brother is worth taking a chance on. Is he one in a Krillion or just another fish in the sea? And if your ex scores better than their brother in their Krillion duel, beg for your ex to take you back. You’ve clearly made a mistake. If the brother wins, all bets are off. He’s the one.
Alright, now I promised to list off some cons about dating your ex’s brother. Yeah … I dunno. Can’t think of any. Guess you’re in the clear!
See you in two weeks.
