Eva Jaber ‘28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
One time, my mom and I were on a lil boat. While on said boat, the absolute diva who was manning the sails kept shouting, “SOMETHING NEWWWWWWW,” and tipping the vessel so the mast was basically parallel to the water. By the end of that boat ride, my mom and I wanted anything but “something new.” We wanted something familiar. Something stale.
I imagine this is how you feel about my writing. I just can’t stop switching things up. None of my readers can find any sense of regularity from column to column, save the TV references and general undertone of passive aggression. Perhaps my creativity is more destructive than it is generative. I forsake nostalgia for novelty at every turn. Alas, I must continue to innovate. Every “Shark Tank” entrepreneur starts somewhere, and you are bearing witness to my origin story. I am about to do something that no writer in the history of writing has ever done before (editors, you have better things to do than fact check me).
Welcome to a special choose your own adventure edition of Eva’s Apple! The question this week is as follows:
“What does my favorite balloon animal say about me?”
I make a lot of stuff up in this column, but I’m being honest when I say that balloon art is one of my favorite hobbies. There is depth and nuance to balloon twisting that I am certain you simply do not understand. I doubt that you yourself even know what your favorite balloon animal is. Maybe you think you know, but you’re wrong. Thus, I’m not going to tell you what your favorite balloon animal says about you. Instead, I’m going to tell you what balloon animal is most representative of your identity. Today, you will learn which balloon animal is actually your favorite. To do this, I’m gonna tell you a little story. Every choice you make here will bring you closer to the truth, although I’m not sure you’re ready to face it.
1) Our story begins with chaos. You wake up in a burrito and realize that you are the refried beans. You were a human just yesterday and cannot seem to remember how or why this happened. What is your first thought?
a. What’s going on? If only I could ask my favorite satire advice columnist for guidance in this dark moment. [skip to #2]
b. You think aloud, “I needa get out of here, man” [skip to #3]
c. Just a series of onomatopoeias because refried beans don’t have thoughts [skip to #4]
2) Be honest, here. Have you ever actually submitted a question to Eva’s Apple?
a. No 🙁 I’m sorry [skip to #5]
b. Yes [skip to #6]
c. Yes (but I’m lying) [skip to #5]
3) The lettuce notices how scared you look and gives you their phone. You’re allowed to message one of the two existing group chats on Lettuce’s phone. Who do you ask for help?
a. The chat called “Help center for humans accidentally turned into burrito ingredients” [skip to #8]
b. Unnamed group chat with 45 contacts all named Nathan [skip to #7]
c. Lettuce has an android. You’ll figure this one out on your own. [skip to #6]
4) Favorite onomatopoeia?
a. Quack [skip to #8]
b. Honk (like the sound a goose makes) [skip to #6]
c. Beep [skip to #3]
5) You lose. I’m not assigning you a balloon animal. I’m embarrassed for you, diva. [skip to the epilogue]
6) You are an honest person, and you stay true to yourself. That’s something others respect about you. The shredded cheese, who seems to be the one in charge around here, is envious of your charm and challenges you to a lifting competition (get it? because it’s shredded cheese?). What do you do?
a. The only thing you can do: you lift. [skip to #13]
b. Cry [skip to #11]
c. You call out the 326th most popular name in the United States in hopes that someone will come to your rescue. “Nathan?” You try once more. “Is there anyone here who can help me? Perhaps someone named Nathan?” [skip to #7]
7) As luck would have it, you are part of a batch of catered birthday burritos that a kid named Nathan’s mom got him for his seventh birthday. Nathan pulls out a book of spells from his pocket and utters an incantation to turn you back into a human. Unfortunately, Nathan is only seven years old; his magic could still use a little work. What are your final words before Nathan’s spell is cast?
a. You don’t need words. You’re gonna fight him. [skip to #10]
b. “What did I do to deserve this?!?!” [skip to #14]
c. Nothing. Refried beans don’t talk [skip to #12]
8) A child named Nathan comes out of nowhere to eat his burrito. He’s wearing a balloon crown, because he’s turning seven years old today! Unfortunately, the help center you messaged will get back to you in three to four business days, so you’re out of luck. Should’ve texted Nathan, man. Any final plea?
a. Can’t think of anything. You’re too distracted by how lit Nathan’s balloon crown is. [skip to #9]
b. No plea necessary. You’re ready to fight Nathan. [skip to #10]
c. “PLEASE JUST LET ME CONSULT MY FAVORITE SATIRE ADVICE COLUMNIST. PLEASEEEE” [skip to #2]
9) You meet an untimely end, but we can say with complete certainty that your identity is best represented by a balloon crown. Maybe you’re superficial and tacky, but boy do you demand attention! [skip to the epilogue]
10) C’mon man. Refried beans can’t fight. You meet your doom, but I am absolutely sure that your essence is best captured by a balloon sword. You’re not the most useful, but most people from ages three to 37 find you entertaining. [skip to the epilogue]
11) The burrito gets eaten before either of you can compete. You meet an untimely end, but at least your actions prove that your identity is most accurately represented by a balloon dog with a frowny face drawn on it. You are deeply emotional and likely disappointed with the end of your story today, but your depth and nuance are actually your greatest strengths. [skip to the epilogue]
12) Nathan accidentally cast a “do over” spell, so you’re transported back to the beginning of the day to give it another try. [skip to #1]
13) You lose, because refried beans can’t lift weights, although that doesn’t matter much anyway. Within the minute, the burrito gets eaten and all the ingredients, including you, meet their unfortunate fate. Still, your behavior in your final moments leaves me with no doubt in my mind that your identity is best represented by a balloon giraffe. You always stand tall, even though the haters wonder if you’re just a balloon dog with a really long neck. [skip to the epilogue]
14) You’re still refried beans. Nathan accidentally cast an accountability spell. [skip to #2]
Epilogue: You don’t like your result? Play again! It’s not ideal that you have to spend two weeks until the next installment of Eva’s Apple, but hopefully this will keep you entertained until then. Don’t get all twisted up about it.
