__As I walk into Lodge 1, a jiving Kevin Dua ’09 informs me that I’m breaking up his spontaneous dance party by the stage. It’s 4 p.m. on a Thursday, but as long as there are dance beats, Kevin Dua’s grooving. well-known on campus, he calls himself and his principle campus involvement as Senior Class President “one-dimensional.” However, with his love of history, a diploma from a celebrity high school and plans to break a Guinness World Record next month, makes him pretty multidimensional. A dedicated worker, this history major even stayed here over spring break to work at the ID Office and labor over organizing the Senior Class gift.__

**Tell me a little about where you are from.**

I’m from Alexandria, and I love to brag about it because I went to T.C. Williams High School from “Remember the Titans.” It was always a great icebreaker freshman year.

**Was a there a feeling of celebrity going to T.C. Williams?**

It wasn’t a big deal for us. I played one year on the football team, and we actually had to watch the movie pretty much every time before a game. We met Coach Boone, who gave us an inspirational speech. If you’ve ever seen the movie, you know the big hype and dancing they do before the games. I led that. We actually brought that back for that one year, which was very interesting. I like to describe T.C. as a mini-Model United Nations. There were like eighty different cultures represented in that school. I kind of miss it sometimes. It was a combination of “the Hills,” “Dawson’s Creek,” a little “O.C.” and “Real World” all mixed together.

**You’re a history major here at the College of William and Mary. What history interests you most?
I’m kind of a war buff. I love the Civil War, World War II and also the Civil Rights Movement.
Do you have an idea of what you’re doing next year?**

I had an interview with the School of Education here at William and Mary today, which I’ll find out about in a few weeks. My interests have switched from law school to teaching over the past few years. I’m looking at higher education: high school AP American history.

**Clearly you have mad dance skills. Tell me about them.**

So I like to dance. I was a horrible dancer from elementary school through high school. I looked like Steve Urkel and was the most awkward kid in the world. I had a retainer and glasses, and I couldn’t go to dances. I’ve always liked Michael Jackson, though, and it was always fun to watch him with my family in the living room. Whenever he put out a music video it was always breaking news on NBC and ABC, so I’ve always followed his music since I was five. Following someone like that, you know, you’ve got to stand up sometimes and have fun with the rug and look at yourself in the mirror and try a little spin or kick or a little moonwalk. When I came to college it was common that people just danced so I would dance to Michael Jackson to “Thriller” when it came on. So I guess I gained this dancing reputation.

**What’s your favorite song to dance to?**

It would have to be a tie between “Billy Jean” and “Thriller.”

**How did you spend your first ever college snow day earlier this month?**

I had a midterm that day at 1 p.m. My morning started at 6:30 a.m. with the text message saying classes were cancelled until 12. We got an e-mail from our professor saying the midterm was still on, which I was going to fail. When I found out all classes were canceled I started screaming — the whole place was screaming like it was New Years. I ran home and got into two snowball fights with my roommates, slept for a few hours, ate some Chinese food and watched “House.” I felt like I was five years old. I took the exam Wednesday and did well on it. The snow saved my life.

**When you were a kid, how did you usually spend snow days?**

I would be doing one of three things: eating Fruity Pebbles, since I’m obsessed with them, watching Power Rangers, which I was obsessed with, or dancing to Michael Jackson, who I’m still obsessed with.

**What’s your favorite news source?**

Tie between CNN and TMZ. TMZ is a celeb gossip site.

**If I turned on your iPod right now, what would I be listening to?**

Let’s see. [Pulls out iPod.] I can’t see my screen anymore because it’s broken, so there are two songs that are going back and forth — that’s how ghetto it is. But one is Jay-Z’s “Encore,” and, I kid you not, the other one is “Thriller.”

**What’s been your best job?**

The William and Mary ID Office. It’s very relaxed, and you get a chance to interact with nearly every student and you get to hear the most outrageous stories of how people lose their IDs and stuff.

**What’s a ridiculous story from the ID office?**

I know someone who has lost their ID 12 times.

**Do you have any nicknames?**

Apparently I don’t have a first name anymore because my friends just call me Dua. Michael Jackson is one, too. Marshmallow is another because my friend convinced me to play Chubby Bunny once on the Terrace, and I had like nine in my mouth.

**Grind or Starbucks?**

Neither. I don’t like hot liquids. I like either orange soda or orange Gatorade. Did you ever watch “Kenan and Kel?” That’s why I like orange soda. Kel is obsessed with orange soda; that was a theme in the show. [Begins singing] “Who likes orange soda? Is it true? Mhmmm. I dooo I dooo I dooo.” I’m eight, nine years old watching this show, and I don’t know why this kid likes orange soda, but I’m going to drink it.

**Any equally funny relationships with food or things you particularly like?**

I die and go to heaven when I eat either Chinese food or Fruity Pebbles. Every week when we get groceries I get a box and ten minutes after, that box is finished.

**If you could meet a celebrity, who would you meet?**

Kelly Clarkson. She’s been my celeb crush since “American Idol” [season] one.

**What talent do you wish you had?**

I wish I could ride a bike. I know it’s not a talent, but I wish I could ride a bike. I can’t ride to save my life.

**If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?**

I would come back as a professional wrestler. As Hulk Hogan. I am a closet professional wrestling fan, and I’ve watched since I was five.

__The plug worked for me; I have the “Thriller” dance pulled up on YouTube in preparation for the hopefully record-breaking event next month. In the wise words of Kevin Dua, you all have no excuse. It’s time for students across campus to “stand up and have fun with the rug.” Hit it, Michael Jackson.__

Half an hour after 900 students filed out of the Chesapeake room in the Sadler Center, Girl Talk, also known as Gregg Gillis, welcomed Variety Editor Ashley Morgan and Associate News Editor Maggie Reeb into his dressing room wearing only his boxers. A half-eaten Symphony bar rested on the table where Gillis had been sitting, and a tall man with long hair and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt scrambled to pack up gear. Gillis — still sweating from the concert and with visibly damp hair — smiled warmly and asked the reporters to take a seat while he pulled out a pair of sweatpants from a single suitcase. After putting on a minimal amount of clothes, he sat down, popped open a Corona, and answered some of our questions.

**How was the performance tonight? How was the audience?**

The audience was cool – at the beginning, there was a woman next to me that I loved. She was wonderful. I didn’t meet her; I just thought she danced really well. I liked her enthusiasm. No, everyone was really cool. No one was, like, overly aggressive or anything like that. People were fired up, it was cool.

**I saw a lot of people onstage with you. Do people just jump up there?**

Yeah, it’s kind of become the etiquette, in a certain way … I don’t know, like, if anyone here has seen me play or not, but I think it’s something that, if you are going to the show, you may know about me. Like if you are going to the Rancid concert, you may know there is going to be some moshing.

**Do you play at a lot of small venues like this, or do you mostly play at big venues?**

I think the last time I toured the United States the average was like 1,500. So that was maybe double this; the venue probably could have fit 1,500 but they only let in like 8 to 900. This wasn’t necessarily small considering the large scope of shows. I spent many years playing shows to, like, 10 people. But right now it’s like most colleges are around 1,500, so this was on the smaller side, but not tiny by any means.

**Do you like playing the smaller shows more than the bigger ones?**

Yeah … It’s a bit more stress-free. You can control it. I like to just hang out with people, get people onstage and get in the audience and stuff like that. At the bigger shows where you give them that freedom, the chance of it being complete chaos increases. I think the bigger shows can be amazing; [they] can transcend the need for intimacy. But the smaller shows are easier and more fun. For me, it’s kind of where this whole thing developed from – a lot of smaller shows. I would love to play shows for 10 people at a time. I think it would be very cool, but that’s not possible. The smaller it is the more relaxed I am.

**Are you on tour right now?**

Kind of. I mean, I don’t know what you would define as a tour, but I would consider myself on tour for, like, the last three years or so, just, like, going home a lot. So, I have shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday of this week, and then last week I had shows Friday and Saturday, so I had four days off … Next week I have shows Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So most weeks I do weekend shows … I don’t know if that qualifies as a tour, but I am in a steady stream of playing shows. So really, maybe, like, three weeks off has been the most I’ve had in the past three years.

**Where are you off to next?**

We are going to Philadelphia tomorrow. This is sort of a college weekend, so we are playing at University of Pennsylvania.

**And you said that you tour outside of the United States.**

Yeah, I went to Australia about two or three weeks ago, and we are going to Europe in a couple of weeks. I’ve also been to Japan and Brazil.

**How much recognition do you have outside of the country?**

Australia is very similar to the United States, maybe a bit smaller. So I would say that [in] the major cities there I play shows for 1,000 people rather than 1,500 … In Europe it’s been smaller in the past, but I haven’t been over there since I released my last album. But I heard that that it got a lot more publicity than my last album. And we are going over there in literally two weeks, so we will see how it goes. I also heard the London show sold out pretty quickly, so I think that people know it. I mean, when I go to Brazil, they have a lot of people there who are paying attention to music in the other parts of the world, promoters, but that does not necessarily reflect what the people listen to. So I think when I played there, no one knew me, but they put me in the setting where they have thousands of people … You know, festivals and things like that.

**Did you know the concert here sold out in two days?**

I heard. Yeah, the college shows I have been doing lately have all been very enthusiastic as far as the turnout, which is cool. I’ve had a nice turnout for the past year or two of most of the shows selling out, which I am extremely grateful for because, again, I have had many years of playing shows to no one really giving a fuck.

**What’s the coolest place you have ever performed?**

I [think] Brazil was the craziest shit I’ve ever played in. Japan’s amazing, too. Brazil was just insane to experience. Their take on everything is very exciting and refreshing to me. Venue-wise, I don’t know. I think the coolest venue I’ve played in the United States has been Red Rocks outside of Denver Colorado. It’s kind of a famous natural amphitheatre. I opened up for Blues Traveler on the 4th of July, and they put me on as soon as they opened [the] doors, thinking I would kind of play background music. But I’ve never really played background music; I kind of just do my show regardless of who’s there. So I was kind of shirtless and sweaty by the time 10 people were in this amphitheatre, which could fit like 5,000. So that was kind of amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s kind of this classic place; everyone’s kind of played there. Everyone has rocked Red Rocks. It was cool to be a part of that tradition in such a shitty way. I was very excited about that.

**Do you do a lot of shows with other artists?**

I don’t do too many opening spots. I mean, I get offers, and I’m into that. It’s just kind of the nature of a show more so than a traditional band is. Like, I want it to be a closing thing. I want it to be completely balls out the entire time. It’s a weird feeling when people are getting onstage. Everyone is sweating, everyone’s going crazy, and regardless of me. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone or worse than anyone, it’s just a different vibe, more of a party vibe. So when it becomes a dance party [it] usually works as a closing thing. So a lot of times if I open up for a different artist, it’s just a weird thing. Even if people don’t know me, it’s kind of a weird context for it, as well. I used to open up for people all the time back in the day, but now that I kind of have my own calling, I avoid that when I can. But I tour with a lot of my friends’ bands and things like that. The past year, I opened for Bone Thugs and Harmony, which was an honor. That was about the coolest band in the world for me to play with – one of my favorites. Coming up, I’m doing some college shows with some bigger artists. I’m playing a show with Three 6 Mafia. I’m looking forward to that. The shows depend on the context much more so than a traditional band. It’s weird, just like the Red Rocks thing, to just get up there. Like if you were Katy Perry and you were, like, playing at Red Rocks, it would probably still be pretty normal. It would be kind of boring, but it wouldn’t be completely awkward and nuts. [Whereas] me playing at Red Rocks for people was completely awkward. So because it is so dependent on the context, I am kind of specific about where I’m playing.

**It sounds like you exhaust the audience.**

Yeah. And if people don’t know me, I’m open to trying that out, but it’s like, right now, there is such a demand for the show, which I’ve never had before outside of a year or two … I would rather play a show to an enthusiastic 40 people than open up for, like, 10,000 people who don’t give a damn. And I like working a crowd that doesn’t know me; it’s kind of like what I’ve been used to in the past. But it’s kind of a headache. Like last year I played 150 shows, so I’m on the road for over half of the year, so, it’s a bit hard to imagine that and imagine playing a shitty show over a fun one … It’s frustrating when you’re on your 20th show that month and then you have to deal with this audience that doesn’t give a damn. Its more annoying now that I play more shows, I think.

**What’s your worst disaster?**

Oh man, there are many. There are kind of two different worlds to this project. Before the album “Night Ripper,” – which was released in 2006 – and after, because that literally had the tiny cult following. And back then, shows – a lot of them were cool and fun, but sometimes I played in some shitty spots. I’d play in a house were drugs addicts were living and stuff like that. So, not always, but the chance for insanity is there. I’ve had a lot of shows where there [are], like, people literally unplugging the computer, like, trying to start a fight with me while I’m playing, and stuff like that. So that was very common in, like, 2003 to 2006 … But now it’s more on the technical end. Sometimes something will get unplugged or something will get damaged. I don’t like that, I don’t want that, but sometimes it’s not always a negative thing for the show. Sometimes, it’s a cool, nice, like, builds a dramatic arc to it. Like if the music has to stop and people are like, “Boo,” and then if you get it going, and the high that they ride from that is more intense than you could have created naturally. So it’s not always a negative thing when things kind of go bad. The past few years I really haven’t had a really horrible show. I mean, the Blues Traveler one kind of springs to mind. But other than that, I have been very fortunate to have interested fans. I have been very fortunate to have that – people psyched to come on to the shows.

**How many laptops do you go through in a year?**

I bought some tough books that are these Panasonic things that are for military use, so you can smash them and pour water on them and things. So I broke maybe four in 2007, but last year we got it down to a science on how to do the shows. So this whole process has become very fine-tuned. The shows started being a lot bigger than I was used to, and the shows would get completely destroyed within minutes. They would kind of implode. So over the last couple of years we have kind of fine-tuned the science of making sure shit does not get completely fucked up.

**Do you keep all of your music and mashing equipment on just the one laptop?**

I have it on a lot of stuff; I back it up a few times. I really play off of one computer, but I have two up there just in case something goes down. You know, of course, I back everything up at home. I mean, with the nature of the show, someone might get on the table at the end of the performance, or something like that, and there might be a high heel through the screen, or something like that. And I’m open to that. I mean, I invited that on, so if it goes down, that’s the natural way. And I think that spontaneity and chaos [are] … for me at least, so exciting. There is so much routine and shit when you go see a show, you know. It’s like, “Oh, they’re supposed to play for X amount of time,” and it’s like, we’re supposed to do this and that, and we show up at this hour, and it ends at this hour, and they do this encore. And I respect the tradition of rock and roll, but I think it’s a lot of bullshit. So when you can kind of break down those walls, it’s kind of exciting.

**Do you know what you are going to play before you go onstage at every performance?**

Really it is kind of like all of the samples I trigger in real time, but all of the arrangements I rehearse beforehand. So when you hear a change in music, I am triggering different samples, and there [are] always 5 to 10 loops going. So it’s more of, like, a thing where a band – you rehearse what you are going to play, but you have subtle variations of that. You have an idea of what you are going to play. You’re not going to play exactly that, but you kind of have an idea of what you want to get through. Most of the shows I prepare more material than I want to get through. So I can kind of jump around a little bit. And I change it around every weekend. On a weekend like this, shows will be relatively similar. But I don’t want it to be like a circus trick; it’s more trial-and-error. It’s a very long process for me to see what will work. So when you are hearing a specific combination of material, those are things I’ve probably thought up beforehand, but how I get in and out of it and how I execute it changes every night. So a performance is never really identical.

**What is your favorite mash-up combination that you have come up with so far?**

I mean, maybe if I had never met anyone I would have a different opinion on this, but I feel like people [who] come out to the shows and people who have bought the album respond really well to a combination from the album “Night Ripper” that is the drums from Nirvana and Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” and Notorious B.I.G.’s “Juicy.” And that is from that album kind of selected as almost a single. A lot of people took to that. For all the shows that I would drop into the elements of that, people would get really into that, and that is one thing for the past two-and-a-half years that I try to play almost every show. And I feel like if there was to be a hit single from what I am doing, that would potentially be it. To me, I make the albums as a whole. I think about them as a whole piece. I judge the albums against each other. But the way people have responded to the “Juicy” thing has made it one of my favorites – just how people are so enthusiastic about it.

**Well, you mix a lot of music in your work. Do you have a favorite genre of music?**

Yeah, I mean, I listen to everything I sample. I listen to a lot of pop music. I’m 27 so I grew up really getting into music in the ’90s, so I really like ’90s music. And that is everything from hip-hop to alternative stuff to, like, techno-pop music. That’s all my favorite shit — mostly alternative rock from the ’90s and hip-hop from the ’90s. That was, like, what I was jamming in middle school. No matter what ever exists in music, I could never love what I loved the way I did when I was in middle school. It’s like as you listen to more and more stuff you become more jaded. It’s like when you experience something when you have little experience with it you can never replicate that feeling.

**In middle school, did you think that right now, at 27, you would be a music phenomenon?**

Naw. I mean, I went to school for biomedical engineering when I was in College, and I did [well with] math and computers and stuff like that in high school. I worked in the field of engineering for awhile and … in high school I got into bands with experimental music. But as I was growing up, the bands I looked up to were in the Pittsburgh scene. No one I knew was living off of music. So I feel differently about this now than I did then. Back then, when I was young — and I don’t believe this now — I really viewed any band trying to be successful as kind of corny. If you are not trying to completely push the limits and challenge the crowd, then you are being corny … No one was really cashing in on things, people were just trying to make things as crazy as possible. So that’s kind of how I grew up making music. So at no point did I ever aspire to be living off of music. That was never an option in my mind. Now, I feel differently. I feel like it’s completely valid to start a project to get a million dollars, not that that is what I am doing. If you want to be a pop star, that is a fine thing. If you want to be a mainstream rapper, that’s fine. There is nothing more or less artistically valid. So my whole outlook on why you would want to do music has kind of changed.

**So did you just get started messing around on your computer and experimenting with music in bands?**

Yeah. I mean, I got started in this before I had a computer or I was in a band. When I was in middle school I discovered college radio, and the college radio in Pittsburgh played a lot of obscure stuff. People played whatever they wanted. I heard very weird electronic music, and it was very exciting to me based on the fact that these people had no formal training. These guys are just playing foot pedals and laptops and children’s toys and it’s a performance, and I went to the shows. So when I started the sound stuff it was prior to Girl Talk, and it was just kind of interesting performing. And I was in an experimental electronic band where we incorporated samples, and it was a lot more obscure and far out. We wouldn’t have a performance; we would, like, play four or five Forrest Gump soundtracks over each other, and we would smash TVs and set out off fireworks at the audience, and that would be a performance. But that, to me, is like the whole stepping stone to getting into this sort of thing. I experienced a lot of sample-based musicians and it was the sort of thing where no one I knew or no one I really liked in the field was making major money, unless you were, like, a hip-hop producer, which I was a fan of, but that wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do. But yeah, when I started it was, like, super weird obscure shit.

**How did you get the name Girl Talk?**

It’s from a band from the early ’90s. They have an early seven-inch and one of the B-side tracks is called “Girl Talk.”

Imagine a dance party, only with a kid dressed up like a robot and a shirtless, sweaty man thrashing near a steel-plated laptop.

That is Girl Talk.

Friday night, Gregg Gillis, also known as Girl Talk, performed his mash-up mixes to an audience of 900 College of William and Mary students. Many dressed up for the occasion — girls sporting brightly colored leggings and funky T-shirts and boys wearing large, neon sunglasses and glow sticks could be seen everywhere.

Ultraviolet Ballet — Jesse DelGizzi ’08, Matt Kauper ’07, Galen Curry ’08 and Fred Farney — opened for Girl Talk. The band’s MySpace page boasted that while attending the College, Ultraviolet Ballet won two of the school’s Battle of the Band competitions with covers of popular songs. Now, the band focuses on original work and plans to release a debut album sometime this spring. The band’s funky, upbeat tone and eccentric wardrobe — one band member wore a white fur coat — readied the crowd for the much-anticipated main act. However, most people grew impatient by the end of Ultraviolet Ballet’s set and anxiously chattered until Girl Talk’s performance began.

As the lights dimmed and Girl Talk opened his laptop, the Sadler Center Chesapeake room exploded, and many members of the crowd rushed onto the stage. Students grinded to the hip-hop beats and swayed to ’80s hits as Girl Talk intermittently took to the microphone to interact with the crowd.

“I was like, the second person to get up [on stage],” Mary Judge ’11 said, “I stood right next to him for the first part of the concert, and we danced, and one time he picked up my hand and we Jersey fist pumped. It was probably one of the more epic moments of my life.”

More like an hour in a dance club than a concert, Girl Talk’s performance truly energized all in attendance. Couples danced together, friends danced in circles, and several groups took turns break-dancing in the corners of the Chesapeake room. Even the Alma Mater Productions staff — which frantically controlled the enthusiastic crowd — joined the massive dance party as Girl Talk performed an encore.

“My friends and I were really pumped for Girl Talk,” Judge said. “We started planning for it, like, months in advance and were really serious about everyone waking up early to buy tickets online.”

Around 800 of the available tickets sold the first day, and the remaining 100 tickets were sold within hours the next day.

“It was a wonderful show,” AMP Music Committee Chair Sean O’Mealia ’09 said. “It was great to get an act that was nothing like anything before.”

Once a member of Philadelphia’s underground music scene who played shows for no more than 10 people, Girl Talk now has his own following and plays shows for thousands of people.

Gillis began experimenting with music during his time at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Oh., where he was pursuing a degree in biomedical engineering. He has released five albums, the most recent entitled “Feed the Animals.” Gillis creates mash-ups using unauthorized samples from different popular songs; each of his creations features clips from about 15 different songs. According to Gillis, his most popular track, which he played for the College Friday night, features an overlay of Elton John’s song “Tiny Dancer” and Notorious B.I.G.’s “Juicy.”

But Girl Talk’s success has not come without controversy. Since Gillis uses unauthorized samples in his mash-ups, many in the music industry have speculated that Gillis would find himself in the middle of a copyright lawsuit. So far, no one has taken legal action against Gillis, who cites fair-use laws as his legal protection.

Gillis traveled to the University of Pennsylvania Saturday to play a show before heading back to Philadelphia. In less than two weeks he plans to perform in Europe. Popularity at places like the College motivates him. “I’ve had a nice turnout for the past year or two of most of the shows selling out, which I am extremely grateful for because, again, I have had many years of playing shows to no one really giving a fuck,” Gillis said.

With its marriage of politics and Tina Fey as a catalyst, “Saturday Night Live” saw a steep surge in viewer ratings this past year. As that success carried over into 2009, regular cast member Andy Samberg and his comedy posse, mysteriously named the Lonely Island, capitalized on it by releasing their debut full-length album “Incredibad.” Squeezing out 19 tracks in 42 minutes is far from conventional, but that seems to be the modus operandi throughout this ridiculous (in a good way) record. The group — comprised of Samberg, Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone — combines its lyrical savvy with a loaded list of featured artists to create a result as hilarious as it is obscene. You’ll have to wait a few tracks for the now infamous “Jizz In My Pants,” which has unsurprisingly attracted millions of YouTube hits, however, the opener “Who Said We’re Wack?” sets the tone for the rest of the album with nonsensical rhymes and a shouting chorus.

Although much of the set will be recognizable to ‘SNL’ fans, it may be in the not-yet-popular tracks that their true mastery of parody is most obvious. Samberg and Strokes front man Julian Casablancas rap and croon to a beat that could climb the Billboard charts in “Boombox.” “Dreamgirl,” featuring Norah Jones, serves as the love song for the record. It’s clearly manifested in the lyrics: “Love how not one but both eyes are lazy / When I first saw you, you were drivin’ the bus / Thick skin, strong nose like a rhinoceros.”
There are some stale moments, however, and the boisterous rants and beats can be a little much for one sitting. The shock factor is evident in the final track, which depicts a graphic alien sex encounter to explain the origins of the album’s title. The set is cleverly amusing; barely missing the Billboard Top 10 in its opening week, it reveals the hackneyed and almost comical state of mainstream pop and hip-hop.

As the campus sex columnist, I am sometimes mistaken for the campus sex therapist. Individuals and couples seek me out — often drunkenly — for advice on their ailing love lives. This job is one I am reluctant to assume, and I am usually more than happy to try most positions. I understand that it comes with the territory; as a public sex figure, people are willing to let me into their private sexual lives.

But what does it say about your relationship if you’re asking me for help? There is nothing wrong with seeking the advice of others. It’s a very common means for dealing with problems. But when the problem cannot be remedied by a simple solution, you should be having serious discussions with your partner or seeking professional help.

Very often, people are more interested in seeing my reactions than in receiving my help. They want to tell me about a problem, even if there’s no way I can solve it. I am the campus dump for too much information. I assume these people also seek help from their friends. But what they say is often hurtful to all involved. When it comes to sharing your sexual life, it is important to remember how easy it is to hurt your partner’s feelings.

A little dishing is okay. Call it what you will: locker-room fodder, girl talk or just sex gossip. Everyone’s guilty of occasionally sharing a personal story. But, there has to be a line drawn as to what is acceptable.

It’s okay to say that you and your boyfriend are working out some sexual issues. But it’s over the line to tell a stranger, “My boyfriend won’t have sex with me.” That’s an issue to be discussed in private between you and your man.

Especially heinous are comparisons between current partners and past partners: “Yeah, she’s cool, but my ex could go all night.” Wrong. Bad. Never say that.

When you are involved in a sexual relationship, it is not just you who you are talking about. I am all for sexual openness, but the world does not need to know that your boyfriend has a two-inch penis. Gossiping at a frat party is not the right way to deal with your problems.

That having been said, what do you do when you have a serious issue? The Counseling Center offers couples therapy if it’s an emotional problem. But let’s say it’s physical. Here are some examples: Your boyfriend is saving himself for marriage, but you aren’t; you never orgasm when you’re with your partner, even though you have with partners in the past; your partner’s breasts, penis or body in general is not to your liking.

All of these are issues that can arise but should not be shared with your buddies. The first step in solving this like a grown-up and not like a middle school girl is to talk to your partner. You basically have to walk on eggshells when you do this. Get your grievances out there, but be careful not to attack your partner. Listen to each other both during the conversation and the next time you hook up.

If you’re not coming, give her suggestions as to what has worked in the past, but don’t say, “This is what Laura used to do.”

Come up with creative solutions. Certain positions can overcome the shortcomings of a small penis. A padded bra can enhance small breasts. You can always suggest that you and your partner work out together. But don’t make it an ultimatum. If you’re only in it for his once-sexy body, chances are that this relationship isn’t meant to be.

Regarding moral objections to sex, you have to respect them. Let your partner openly tell you how he or she feels and explain why he or she has made this choice. Even if it’s not right for you, you have to trust your partner’s personal judgment.

If worse comes to worst, there is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone over one of these problems. Granted, it is a big taboo in our society to do so. You may be temporarily branded the horny bitch that broke up with her abstinent boyfriend because he wouldn’t put out. And you may hurt your partner’s feelings. Hardly anyone will take kindly to knowing their unsatisfactory body led to the breakup.

But — and this is a big but — breaking up is a hundred times more respectable and mature than constantly complaining that your partner isn’t satisfying you. Dishing to your friends (or to me) about your unhappiness can be extremely upsetting if your partner catches wind of it. Better to get out of an unsatisfying relationship (and perhaps deal with some negative social repercussions) than to humiliate your partner and debase yourself by grumbling about it.

__Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat’s sex columnist. She’d prefer dishing be done only in the privacy of your own kitchen.__

Two of my friends took me out for a birthday lunch at The Trellis last Friday — the first Friday of Lent — and, like a good Catholic, I ordered fish.

“I can’t eat meat on Fridays until Easter,” I explained when we ordered.

“And you don’t consider fish to be meat?” my Baptist friend asked.

“Why do you think McDonald’s has the Filet-O-Fish on their menu?” interrupted my other friend, a Methodist, as she ordered a vegetarian sandwich. Dessert followed, and the unfortunate timing of my birthday celebration meant I could only watch as they dug into the most delectable desserts I’ve seen since coming to Williamsburg — the white chocolate balloon and the chocolate temptation.

Last Wednesday, many foreheads across campus, including my own, bore smudged black crosses. The ashen smears marked the beginning of the season of Lent for the Christian community at the College of William and Mary. I saw them on every floor of Swem Library behind computer screens and open textbooks. At the gym, I saw one guy running on a treadmill with the remnants of his cross sliding down his forehead, the ashes mixing with his persperation. Between classes in Tucker Hall, a group of girls with crosses smiled at me as they exited a classroom.

“So, did you give something up, too?” One of them pointed to my forehead and, following their gaze, I touched my brow without thinking. My fingers came away, stained with gray soot, and I realized what they were talking about. I answered that I had, and subsequently learned that among them they had given up chocolate, Starbucks beverages and, most impressively, Facebook.

Lent remains one of the most visibly active seasons of the liturgical year; a large black smudge on the forehead identifies a person’s religious leanings for everyone to see. If the ashes aren’t sufficient, there are always no-meat Fridays and personal fasting. My best friend from back home, who is Jewish, jokes with me that Lent is the Catholic self-help holiday. He’s right. There’s a fine line between giving up sweets for religious symbolism and going on a 40-day diet.

“I gave up sweets for Lent,” my Catholic roommate told me on Ash Wednesday. She then added, “Plus, I’m going to work out and try to eat healthier, too.” The trap is easy to fall into, and even I weighed the advantages of giving up sweets and soda before Lent began. In the back of my mind, I was aware that I’d have whiter teeth and a slightly slimmer waistline to boast in my Sunday best at Easter Mass.

However noble the pursuit of a healthier lifestyle may be, the important aspects of Lent sometimes tend to get lost in the hype. Inevitably, just resisting temptation will provide some gratifying personal satisfaction. But what I think students who follow this tradition can hope to gain from these 40 days of self-restraint is a sense of breaking free from certain habits and addictions that have gradually come to dictate their actions. Break free from that marathon of “America’s Next Top Model” that isolates you from the outside world. Instead of sending a Facebook message to a friend from home, call them. Feel the strength of your willpower in discovering that chocolate or other indulgences on which you rely to get through the week are simply crutches. Whether for religious reasons or not, the true spirit behind Lent can empower people by showing them the power of self-restraint.

__Zoe Speas is a Confusion Corner columnist. She cannot wait to eat two pieces of death by chocolate after Lent is over.__

__I was introduced to Lydia Sinkus last weekend at a sorority formal. A native Floridian, free spirit and member of the sailing team, she has a passion for Central and South America and is heading off to the Peace Corps for community development and public health in January. She also makes it clear right off that she wants to one-up Tim Bacon on his pickup lines.__

I have some pickup lines to compete with Tim Bacon’s pickup lines. I’ve never actually used them, but they’ve been used on me. I don’t know if they translate [from Spanish] really, but here’s one anyway: “You’re prettier than eating chicken with your hands.” The experience of seeing you is better than eating chicken with your hands.

**Any other ones?**

My [study abroad] family in Argentina taught me this one: A “bonbon” is a piece of candy in Spanish, so you go, “Oh, you dropped a piece of paper.” And they’re like, “What paper?” And you’re like “Oh, the paper you’re wrapped in, bonbon,” which also means a really hot guy. I think they’re better than the DEA pickup line. I don’t think Tim Bacon has ever given me a pickup line card. I think that’s one of my biggest regrets in college.

**What subject areas really interest you in life?**

Because of my experience in Argentina, I’m really interested in dictatorships and state violence — it’s kind of strange I guess. I think it’s something I’d like to continue with after Peace Corps. Sometimes I think I should be a morbid person because of it, but maybe not. I might go to law school — it depends on what I’m interested in. I could see myself in international law or something. I’d like to work overseas, definitely — I get tired of being here.

**You’ve spent time in South America?**

I studied abroad in Costa Rica when I was a sophomore, Argentina last year and worked in Bolivia with the State Department at the embassy.

**What’s an embarrassing moment from your time spent abroad?**

We took a lot of bus rides in Argentina because you can take a bus anywhere. So, we were on a bus and I think it was one of the trips for like 30 hours, so I went in the bathroom to change my underwear and freshen up. The bus hit a bump and I hit the door and fell out with no pants on. All I had on was my tourist fanny pack.

**If there was a soundtrack to your life, what would be on it?**

I have to think for a second. Right now, the entire new Coldplay EP. I’m basically in love with it as an object. I think that the lead song would have to be that “I’m on a Boat” song on YouTube. You have to go watch it. It’s by the people who do “Jizz in My Pants” — It’s not very classy, but it’s their comedy thing. T-Pain is in this one so it’s a little more legit.

**Are you into any TV shows?**

“The Office.” And, secretly, “Gossip Girl.” I think it might be my guilty pleasure. “Chuck,” specifically, would be my guilty pleasure.

**If you could meet a celebrity who would you meet?**

Hugh Jackman, my future husband.

**Why?**

He has to meet me before he asks me to marry him. It doesn’t matter that he’s married, he can take two wives. I’d be willing to be a second wife.

**What’s the funniest movie you’ve ever seen?**

I think the hardest I’ve ever laughed in a movie was in “Finding Nemo” when Dory speaks whale. I thought I was going to die.

**Who’s your favorite character in the movie?**

Dory. I feel like she represents my inner soul. She’s very forgetful and kind of all over the place. And she’s really cute, too.

**Do you have a favorite quote?**

I don’t specifically. It very much changes, but usually it’s from a poem by E.E. Cummings, who is my favorite poet in the world.

**What animal do you identify with?**

A llama. But it’s been said I should be a parrot because I talk so much.

**Why llamas?**

I just love them. I hugged one once, but it pulled away from me. I saw some in northern Argentina and Bolivia.

**What’s favorite campus spot?**

Were you here when they used to have that swing out by Matoaka? They rebuilt the ampitheatre and it’s not there anymore. It was at the top of the amphitheatre. It used to be my favorite, but now it’s gone.

**What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?**

Cherry Orchard Crunch, from a special ice cream place up north.

**What’s one of your marked characteristics?**

I think I have a very marked laugh. It is very loud and obnoxious, like if I laugh really hard I can’t breathe, so I just squeak. Or, if I’m in a movie and something funny happens that surprises me I’ll start laughing like a man and it’ll be really embarrassing.

**What’s something people here probably don’t know about you?**

That I’m a secret superhero. Okay, that I’m a really beast lasher. If you go to colonial Williamsburg you’ll see how they have the poles lashed together with wood and twine. I’m really good at that.

**What talent do you wish you had?**

I wish I could play the bagpipes. They’re so cool. It wouldn’t matter if I was wearing a kilt because I’m a girl.
What’s the story behind your Facebook profile picture? It looks like a crazy mass of feather boas.
It was at Campus Golf and I was dressed as Miss Scarlett from Clue.

**Do you have any nicknames?**

My brother calls me Litter box. No one at school really calls me that. Lyd – litter, and then litter box? Maybe that’s why I don’t let anyone else call me nicknames because that one’s been so painful.

__Whether working in rural Central America or convincing Hugh Jackman that polygamy really is the way to go, Lydia Sinkus does it with humor and confidence. You may also find her dueling Tim Bacon for the title of reigning pickup-line champion.__