When I first heard about “Sergeant Cheerleader,” I immediately assumed it was going to be just like that horrible Disney movie “Cadet Kelly.” Remember? We’ve all seen it: Feminine Kelly (Hilary Duff, “The Perfect Man”) goes macho to learn a valuable life lesson about hard work and dedication.

In “Sergeant Cheerleader,” producer Matt Pinsker ’09 and director Thomas Baumgardner ’09 manage to interject some college humor into the film, which should appeal to students and faculty alike.

In a nutshell, the film begins with ROTC cadet Will Poole (Chris Manitius ’09) training his team of five members in preparation for the annual fall challenge against competing schools. Walking back from practice, he meets head cheerleader Mary (Francesca Chilcote ’11) who has just bemoaned the fact that no straight guys would want to join a cheerleading team. After they catch each other’s eye, Mary turns up the sex appeal to lure Will into becoming the male cheerleader she needs. But Will’s new commitment competes with his obligation to ROTC, and drama ensues when he must choose between his dedication to the Army or his newfound passion for cheerleading.

The amateur film’s strength lies in its message. Much of the early dialogue revolves around Will’s supposedly questionable sexuality once his ROTC friends realize he is a cheerleader. At a cheerleader party, a girl hitting on Will asks him, “You didn’t come here because you’re a cheerleader, or else you would be gay, right?” Will initially goes along with the idea that all male cheerleaders must be gay, until he finds out his good friend Malcom (Mohammad Rahman ’10), a former ROTC member, had also quit the program to become a cheerleader. Even with support from Malcom, Will struggles with low self-esteem as he preoccupies himself with worrying what people will think of him once they find out that he is a cheerleader. With the help of his now- girlfriend Mary, who explains to him that “only 10 percent [of the campus] would think you’re gay, and less than that would give a shit,” Will discovers that he does not need others’ approval to be a true man; he is one regardless of what others think.

While the acting is not great, I was pleasantly surprised with the two leads’ abilities, as well as the creepy hilarity of the character Quentin (Andy Henderson ’10), who is a combination of Norman Bates and Captain Jack Sparrow. Much of the movie’s humor arises from the interactions between Will and Quentin, who plays the next-door neighbor from hell. In fact, comedic scenes run the gamut from childish, with a scene involving peeing, to adult, when Malcom instructs Will to hold a girl by “holding, thrusting and exploding.” Furthermore, Mary’s charm and comedic timing make her the star of the show, even though Quentin steals the scene more often than not.

The film’s flaws, while plenty, are not as serious as I originally expected. The lighting on the camera is either too light or too dark, so it’s sometimes impossible to see the entire screen. The dialogue, while cheesy, contains enough humor to balance its shallowness. On the whole, I expect viewers to have fun watching two engaging actors roaming around campus and battling stereotypes.

__Andy Henderson is The Flat Hat’s editorial writer.__

Sebastian Brock ’11 stares out at the 200 people assembled in the vast convention center of Orlando’s Rosen Plaza Hotel. He knows they are all here to watch him, or more specifically, the 2008 World Yo-Yo Contest.

He also knows that he can’t overthink this. The best thing he can do now, with his start time less than one minute away, is to stay loose. He tries hard to think of nothing. If his mind is blank, he knows, nothing can psych him out. He relaxes by cracking inside jokes with his buddies and fellow competitors who are preparing to cheer him on from the front row.

Sebastian knows the importance of staying loose. During his first-ever yo-yo competition, he got so nervous that he used up all of his tricks halfway into his routine. Once he gets on stage, “it’s just all muscle memory and adrenaline.”

So he waits. Seconds pass. Then the ferocious drumbeat and piercing opening chords of Hot Water Music’s “End of the Line” blast through the convention center’s loudspeakers.

Now Sebastian Brock goes to work.

—

At the College of William and Mary, Sebastian lives the good life. He shares a spacious corner room in Jefferson Hall with his good buddy Ian Duffy ’11. They’ve got a spiffy flat screen television across from a couch that is massive by dorm-room standards. At the foot of it sits Otto, a sturdy, miniaturize stuffed black bear that doubles as a companion and a reliable footrest. On the TV table sit five Power Rangers figurines.

Everything about Sebastian screams typical college student, except, you know, for the fact that he’s a world champion yo-yo competitor.

“I got known as the yo-yo guy pretty quick,” he says. “It isn’t the best reputation to have, but there are worse ones for sure.”

The legend of Sebastian’s yo-yo skills spread around campus fast, aided by friends who like to show him off at parties. On his own, Sebastian shows more restraint, following a simple rule: Bust out the yo-yo only as a last resort, especially when it comes to meeting girls.

“Maybe once the opportunity has presented itself, I’ve exploited it a little bit,” he says. “But I like to see how far I can go without using that.”

Fortunately for Sebastian, yo-yoing is an activity that allows even the world’s most talented competitors to enjoy a normal existence. He can pick and choose his competitions, still go to school full-time (he plans to double major in government and film) and, after graduation, he’ll be able to handle both a year-round job and the yo-yo circuit without any difficulty.

“I live this double life,” he says.

Sebastian’s interest in yo-yoing began when his mother, Barbara Brock, was in the process of closing the children’s toy store, Fun-damentals, which she had run for years. Without any available employees, she had Sebastian help out at the store. He would do tricks to entice customers into making purchases.
Before long, he was doing some impressive tricks. His dad, Michael, took notice, and offered to take him up to a competition in Delaware.

“I took a chance and competed, and I did pretty well,” Sebastian says. “Five years later, here I am.”

“Here” is the top of the professional yo-yo heap. After finishing no better than 15th in the world competition previously, Sebastian landed third place in 2008. He followed that up with a second-place finish at Nationals in October of the same year.

He is sponsored by Caribou Lodge Yo-Yo Works, a one-man Canadian company that produces its own high-end yo-yos. Chris Mikulan, the company’s owner, pays for Sebastian’s travel and hotel expenses, in addition to his contest entrance fees, in exchange for Sebastian’s representing his company at competitions as part of a five-man team. He even gave Sebastian a $200 bonus for placing third at Worlds (yo-yo competitions don’t offer any prize money — just medals).

Part of Sebastian’s deal with Caribou Lodge is that he gets his own signature yo-yo, which will go on sale sometime this spring. “The Bassalope” is designed to Sebastian’s specifications, and will bear his signature on the side. Each one will cost $100, and for every yo-yo sold Sebastian will get $5.

Sebastian keeps a silver prototype of “The Bassalope” in the middle drawer of his desk.

“It’s a little smaller than others,” he says. “It’s kind of elegant looking. There’s also a smaller bearing in it than normal, for sharper movements and different weight distribution.”

Yo-yo competitions are fairly basic in structure: There is a set number of rounds based on the tournament’s size, the best scorers rom each round move on and the competitor with the highest score in the final round comes in first. At Worlds, there are three rounds. The first two rounds feature one-minute freestyles, and the finals consist of a single three-minute routine. There are also preliminary rounds designed to weed out less-experienced competitors. The Worlds competition features upward of 200 contestants from over 10 countries (the United States and Japan dominate the ranks). There is a real sense of community at the event, as there is at all yo-yo contests. Competitors are far more likely to cheer each other on than they are to wish for an opponent to fail.

—

Sebastian Brock is on a roll. Just 10 seconds into his championship round routine he’s been perfect on all his tricks. He yanks the yo-yo back into his hand, pauses, nods in an act of showmanship and then rips into a series of brain-twister combinations followed up with pinwheel variations and wrist bucket mounts.
If you’re as confused as the other 99 percent of the world that has no idea what any of these things are, it’s probably best to just leave well enough alone.

“It’s hard to explain in words,” Sebastian says for the third time.

The perfect yo-yo freestyle is about more than just nailing tricks. It requires a competitor to showcase his own style, and to make sure the crowd can easily see what’s going on. It requires not only a successful variation of tricks, but shifting speeds and tempo as well.
It’s taken Sebastian a while to get a grasp on his style. Technically, his tricks are as hard if not harder than the ones performed by the first and second-place finishers at Worlds, he says. But style points count in yo-yo competitions and, even though Sebastian nailed every trick he attempted, his showmanship didn’t stack up to the top two.
“Performance-wise, I thought I could have done a lot better,” he says. “This past year was just when I started having my own style.”

—

Sebastian Brock can feel it now. He hasn’t missed a single trick yet, connecting on a series of laceration combos and trapeze variations. He goes to the floor for his grand finale for a series of behind-the-back tricks that send the crowd into a frenzy. He stands up as he completes his last move and the audience erupts. He encourages for more applause as the announcer screams his name, then lets loose a powerful fist pump into the air.

—

Back in his Jefferson dorm room, as the YouTube video of his routine ends, Sebastian looks unimpressed with his 2008 self.

“There are very few freestyles that I look at afterwards and am completely happy with,” he says.
Nevermind that the video showcases an amazing display of skill with tricks that blur from one to the next almost faster than the viewers’ eyes can follow them. Sebastian couldn’t care less, instead speaking in complete awe of the skills of the first-prize winner, John Ando.

“He makes the most beautiful freestyles to watch,” he says. “Everything is so in sync with the music and everything is so original. The way he presents the trick with his body is perfect.”

As Sebastian speaks of his rival with such reverence, his competitive nature comes to the fore. Back in high school, he would make the trip from his hometown, Fredericksburg, Va., to Richmond to play for a travel soccer squad that was of a higher caliber than his local teams. This is the same guy who used to blow up whenever he lost to friends in the video game, “Super Smash Brothers.”

“I couldn’t stand it when they beat me,” he says. “I was like, ‘Ah, I gotta get better.’”

Sebastian laughs as he steps away from the computer screen. He claims he can see the humor in it now, that he won’t let himself get as worked up about yo-yo contests as he did over video games and travel soccer. But there’s something less than convincing about him when he says his competitive nature is loosening up a tad.

“I’m a little more even-keeled about it now,” Sebastian says, wearing a smile that he doesn’t even believe.
“If they beat me, it’s still fun.”

Just not as much fun as when he wins.

You know what we’re talking about. It’s the place you always turn to. Your favorite sandwich, dessert, or late-night snack. The Gobbler. Death By Chocolate. The Ninja Turtle.

It’s comfort food, date food, fast food. It’s beers, margaritas, shaved ice.

It’s the Best of the ’Burg.

The Flat Hat’s annual list features the top eateries in the Williamsburg area. Whether you are a fan of fast and cheap or in the mood for a more romantic meal, this guide provides you with the insight necessary to locate the best dining around the College of William and Mary.

The list is voted on by The Flat Hat’s editorial staff and contains not only the traditional favorites, but a few new winners as well. New categories Best On-The-Go and Best Margarita were captured by WaWa and Tequila Rose, respectively.

In a surprise upset, Paul’s Deli replaced the Green Leafe Cafe as the best deli. But don’t fret, fans of mug night. The Green Leafe hung on to its title as top place to get a beer in Williamsburg.
Other repeats include Nawab, Aromas, the Trellis and the Fat Canary.

**Best Ethnic: Nawab**
Whether you dine at Nawab during its delicious lunchtime buffet or choose something from its extensive menu, you will not be disappointed. The mouth-watering choices at Nawab practically guarantee its place as Best Ethnic Restaurant. The restaurant prepares every dish with flavors that make you feel as if you’ve stepped into New Delhi. The samosas, a definite must-try, are the perfect way to start a meal ­— these flakey turnovers are stuffed with seasoned potatoes and peas. The spicy flavor of the filling complements the simple taste of the crust. For an entree, you cannot go wrong with the chicken tikka masala — chicken marinated in yogurt, then simmered in a tomato and cream sauce. No meal is complete without a dessert of gulab jamun. These sweet dumplings are served in a cardamom-infused syrup with toasted coconut flakes. If you have a sweet tooth, this is the dessert for you.
— Ashley Morgan

**Best Margarita: Tequila Rose**
Seedy Mexican restaurants have developed into a dearly beloved institution, but Tequila Rose outshines them all. The dim lighting and cat-calling patrons may turn some customers away, but don’t let it get to you. Unbeatable in Williamsburg, the food is divine. The extensive menu, recently revised, includes a Spanish vocabulary section so you know just what you’re ordering. Options range from more expensive entrees to combination meals involving some mix of burritos, tacos, chalupas, enchiladas and the like, to a la carte options. Personal recommendation: Try the chicken quesadillas. Of course, the critical measure of a Mexican restaurant is its margaritas; Tequila Rose does not disappoint. Available in a range of sizes — from nine to 32 ounces ­— and frozen or on ice, anyone can find the perfect margarita for the moment. Located a ways down Merrimack Trail, it would be quite a hike walking, so make sure to bring a designated driver. It’s well worth the trek.
— Alice Hahn

**Best On-Campus: Marketplace**
While eating at the Caf or the Sadler Center dining hall often feels like eating in a hospital cafeteria, the Marketplace offers a slightly more ambient feel and, at the very least, more choices. Zoca, the Mexican station, is always a good bet for quesadillas and taco salads, especially if Marie or Jamal are working. The chicken tenders and burgers are surprisingly good, and, if that doesn’t sound appetizing, there are always smoothies or a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. In addition, the Starbucks tucked into the corner provides a much-needed source of caffeine on that side of campus. Two complaints: The dessert selection is woefully measly (though occasionally you can catch a parfait or pastry), and Homezone seems to serve no purpose other than to emanate questionable fumes that confirm my long-held belief that vegetables are, in fact, bad for you. However, at present, my five-quesdillas-a-week habit is keeping me a fan of the Marketplace.
— Alexa McClanahan

**Best Breakfast: IHOP**
When it comes to breakfast food, the competitors just can’t touch IHOP. Not only does this place have fantastic omelettes, French toast and pancakes, but it gets bonus points for serving these delicious offerings all day long — not to mention all night long on weekends. Go basic with the breakfast sampler or a Rooty Tooty Fresh ’N Fruity. If you’re feeling more cosmopolitan, try one of the new Nutella crepes or the Danish fruit crepes. For the health-conscious, there’s always an order of the Harvest Grain ’N Nut pancakes or a heart-healthy spinach and mushroom omelette.
As if the tasty food and prices to compliment a College student’s often-depleted bank account weren’t enough to draw you in, IHOP happens to be hosting National Pancake Day today. Visit the Richmond Road or Rochambeau Drive locations any time from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. for a free short stack of the pancakes that made IHOP famous.
— Vanessa VanLandingham

**Best Date Restaurant: Blue Talon Bistro**
Checking in at the top spot of our Best Date Restaurant category is Prince George Street’s Blue Talon Bistro. The upscale restaurant sports the tagline “Serious Comfort Food” and doesn’t disappoint, delivering a menu chock-full of delicious favorites, including the lamb chops ($27.95), seared salmon ($23.95) and their signature mac ’n cheese ($15.95). A dinner for two does end up being pretty pricey, so be sure to save a trip to the Blue Talon for when you really want to impress your favorite guy or gal. A cheaper option: Visit the restaurant for weekend brunch. The food is every bit as delicious, and meals are typically under $15. Be sure to try their meatloaf dish with pork and potato hash, hollandaise and a poached egg. And for the over-21 crowd, you can’t go wrong by kicking off a date with a mimosa or three.
— Jeff Dooley

**Best Frozen Treat: Sno-to-Go**
It’s a typical August day in Williamsburg with temperatures hovering around 90 degrees and humidity just as high. You’re sitting under a tree by the new campus sundial and are still sweating. Only one thing can make your day better: A stuffed snoball from Sno-to-Go.
The incomparable snoball comes in over 40 flavors like Bahama Mama, Nemo and Ninja Turtle. Vanilla soft-serve tops the concoction and fills the center. The soft-serve/shaved ice combo creates a perfect synthesis of flavors and cools you down enough to forget how hot it is.
Located less than 10 minutes from campus on Richmond Road, Sno-to-Go offers more than the snoball. from straight soft-serve to sno-cones, Sno-to-Go delivers refreshment from April to October.
— Andrew Pike

**Best Deli: Paul’s Deli**
It’s not pretentious like the Green Leafe, but it feels like someone mopped the floor last night, unlike the College Delly. Located next to its upscale rival and across from its low-price competitor, Paul’s Deli finds the perfect balance between classy and trashy. You don’t stand in a line to get in, like at the Leafe — but once inside, you find yourself with plenty of company, unlike at College. The wide variety of greasy drunk food that Paul’s offers is exactly what you’ll crave at 1:30 a.m. Friday, or at 9 p.m. Wednesday while watching the Duke-Maryland game on one of the 10 TVs. Not to mention, all of the College sports memorabilia lining the walls makes you feel proud to be part of the Tribe rather than ashamed to live in a city too lame for actual bars.
— Austin Wright

**Best Vegetarian: Nawab**
A vegetarian’s delight, Nawab is located on Monticello Avenue, next to Big Lots. The restaurant offers numerous vegetable-based choices to please vegetarians and vegans alike, making it the obvious choice for Best Vegetarian Restaurant. Two noteworthy choices include vegetable masala and palak paneer. The vegetable masala is a combination of spiced vegetables in a flavorful tomato-cream sauce. Palak paneer involves baked spinach with tender Indian cheeses and herbs and spices. All dishes are served with basmati rice and are best complemented with fresh-baked Naan — soft Indian flatbread. The restaurant also specially prepares entrees on request, changing the intensity of the spices. Diners can request their entree be mild, medium, hot or Indian hot.
— Ashley Morgan

**Best Value, Best Late-Night, Best On-The-Go: Wawa**
Late-night food runs to Wawa, like completing the triathalon or lining up to enter Swem when it opens at 1 p.m. on Sundays, are an unofficial institution at the College of William and Mary. For Wawa regulars, a trip to the convenience store typically involves ordering a sandwich (everyone has their favorites; some can even order from the touch screens blindfolded), perusing the chips aisle, grabbing a coffee, finding a choice alcoholic beverage — for those of age — and, of course, flirting with the checkout girl. For many freshmen, Wawa is a premiere late-night destination; in fact, most Monrovians simply refer to it as the Monroe dining hall. Furthermore, many freshman halls bond during large group outings to the Richmond Road store. Wawa remains a defining feature of many undergraduates’ experiences at the College. How can you tell? It’s more crowded at 2 a.m. than 2 p.m.
But Wawa is like the Williamsburg version of “Slumdog Millionaire” — it’s sweeping myriad categories this year. It’s easy to see why Wawa is Williamsburg’s Best Value. Cheap sandwiches make for inexpensive late-night snacks, and the coffee comes in every size and flavor you could need. As for Best On-The-Go, there’s nowhere else in Williamsburg where you can be in and out in two minutes flat — unless, of course, it’s last call at the nearby delis, in which case you can kiss the next hour goodbye. The only way to make it faster? Wawa Drive-Thru.
— Alex Guillén

**Best Dessert: The Trellis**
When most people think of The Trellis, let’s face it, we all think of dying in a pool of chocolate and gaining about 10 pounds per slice of Death by Chocolate cake. And we all have to admit, chocolate is exquisite. But contrary to popular belief, chocolate isn’t all that the Trellis is about.
For all you chocolate-intolerant people out there, the Trellis actually has a decent selection of non-chocolate desserts including everything from a unique selection of hand-made ice creams and sorbets (try the vanilla mint or strawberry mango), to various cheesecakes and original French-inspired dishes.
For those of you looking for low-fat desserts, not to worry — the menu also includes several fruit options, such as a strawberries and a delicious cream dish.
The only downside is that the desserts are kind of expensive; their prices range from $10 to $15. However, with the quality and taste that can only be provided by The Trellis’s world-famous dessert chef, you really can’t go wrong.
­— Isshin Teshima

**Best Beer: The Green Leafe**
All right College Delly, your game is up. We know the College Blonde is nothing more than Miller Lite with a fancy tap. Or is it High Life? No matter. We’re already heading elsewhere — to the Green Leafe, where they serve real beer. Its wide selection of brands — nearly 30 on tap and another 100, give or take, in bottles — make it the best place in Williamsburg to grab a drink. Not the cheapest, but definitely the best.
It’s all about the selection and the atmosphere, which is downright convivial. Warm wood paneling and the burble of conversation make those IPAs all the more flavorful. We’re big fans of the hand pump, too. It serves up beer the way it was meant to be enjoyed — without forced carbonation. And that reminds us: At the Leafe, our elitist sensibilities remain intact. Bud Light’s the only cheap beer on the list, and no one’s going to start playing quarters two tables over. Good beer deserves better than that, anyway. So, College Delly, we’re sorry. While we find your sketchiness endearing, when we’re looking for a great beer, we’re going to the Leafe.
— Andy Peters

**Best Parent’s Restaurant: Fat Canary**
Williamsburg’s wide array of dining options certainly comes in handy when the folks are visiting, but when trying to please the parents, the Fat Canary on Duke of Gloucester Street trumps all. Owned and operated by the same crew as the Cheese Shop, the Fat Canary offers upscale, luxurious dining that is sure to please the family. Frommer’s has called it Williamsburg’s best restaurant, and it’s not hard to figure out why.
While the prices are somewhat steep (expect to pay $25 to $30 for entrees), they are generally worth every penny. Their braised lamb shank and pan-seared sea scallops are among the best of their entrees, and the large bar area is a great place to sip on a cocktail or enjoy some of the Fat Canary’s superb wine collection.
But perhaps the best part of this popular hotspot is its dessert. While its neighbor from across the square — The Trellis — is often believed to have the best dessert in Williamsburg, the Fat Canary is no slouch. Even if you’re just stopping in for dessert after another meal, you’re sure to find something new and delicious for the sweet tooth in your family.
— Alexander Ely

**Best Coffee: Aromas**
Tables crowd the aging hardwood floor of Aromas, and chairs constantly knock into each other as people maneuver across the cluttered room — evidence of the coffee shop’s popularity. The warm yellow walls and exposed ventilation system complete the cozy feel of the coffee shop. This charming ambiance — accented by live jazz on Tuesday nights — is by far Aromas’ strongest selling-point. The coffee itself is subpar at best. The menu presents a variety of interesting combinations, including a “Honey Do” Latte, Snickers Latte and Almond Joy Latte. Notice a trend there? Aromas recipes rely on a heavy dose of sugar. Nearly every drink — not to mention the desserts — tastes as if your friendly barista dumped a full cup of sugar inside before leaving it on the pick-up counter for you. Sure, Aromas may not be as convenient, delicious or student-run as the Daily Grind, but supporting local businesses of all stripes is still important in this economy. Unless you’re looking for Aromas’ signature sugar high, we’re none too worried about the Grind’s success.
— Alice Hahn

Campus Golf, which took place last Saturday, gave students the opportunity to dress up in costume and participate in the College’s largest philanthropic event. The event raised money for Avalon — a Williamsburg women’s shelter — and Prevent Child Abuse America.

True story: First week of freshman year, two people in my dorm — let’s call them John and Jane — hooked up. The next morning, Jane woke up to a note on her whiteboard that read: “You’ve got a rash. – John.” Now, I hope this sort of interaction is rare. Broadcasting genital ailments is generally frowned upon, and it’s safe to say that John acted like a tool who has a tool with a rash.

But how are you supposed to act in such a situation? What happens when your loins have lumps?

An important part of mature sexuality is knowledge of your body. Your private parts should never be private to you. You should always be privy to the conditions down under. To that end, it is your responsibility to make any of yours partner aware of any sort of communicable or unsightly bump on your happy parts.

On the other end, if you do not have anything on your genitals and want to keep them that way, you should take a look at your partner’s groin. I realize that this can be an uncomfortable and daunting task, especially if this is a one-night stand — and I’m not suggesting that you bust out the microscope the second you jump under the sheets — but look before you leap. Find a way to be discreet, and remember that this is your health.

All sorts of bumps can be found on and around the genitals. Not all of these are sexually transmitted infections. And, it is important to remember that not all lumpless loins are STI-free. But for now, let’s just focus on what is visible to the naked eye.

Let’s start with things that are unsightly but harmless. A very common type of red bump is razor burn. With our sexual culture urging us to become as hairless as Dr. Evil’s cat, many people end up with razor burn. It looks like a lot of little raised red spots in shaven areas.

Bad razor burn can result in ingrown hairs. These are swellings of the hair follicles that contain pus. In extreme cases, these get very infected and become abscesses, also known as boils. While these require antibiotics, they are not communicable. However, depending on their exact location, they may be painful enough to make you avoid doing the dirty.

Women can get Bartholin cysts, which can form when the duct exiting the Bartholin gland becomes blocked. If these turn into abscesses, which are formed if cysts become infected, they will definitely result in temporary abstinence. These abscesses look like tender lumps on the sides of their vaginal opening. And of course, sometimes girls get a genital pimple or two. Nothing is more sexy than acne in your adult playground.

If you see any of the above on yourself or your partner, there is no reason to worry. They are the Boo Radleys of genital bumps — they seem scary, but they’re actually harmless.
Now for the red bumps that should raise red flags. All four of these have a counterpart in another area of the body, which may help you to identify them.

First off is tinea cruris, also known as jock itch. It is the same fungus as athlete’s foot. It is a red, itchy rash that can cause flaking of the skin. Jock itch is not an STI, but it can be transferred through contact. (Yes, women can get this.)

Pubic lice, commonly known as crabs, also cause what seems like skin flakes (but are actually insects), as well as itching. It may look like white or gray dots on your pubic hair. In terms of transmitting this, think: head lice. Remember the rigorous checks at school and the harsh chemicals in your hair.

Genital warts, caused by human papillomavirus, look like soft, raised masses with either smooth or cauliflower-like projections. If you’ve ever had a wart on your hand or foot or anywhere else, you should be able to recognize these bumps.

Herpes, the most demonic of all the bumps, look like a cluster of small fluid-filled blisters. They may break and form sores that crust. Oral herpes looks very similar. And, contrary to popular belief, oral herpes can become genital herpes through contact.

Now, the problem with all of this is that a lot of the benign lumps look very similar to the transmutable ones. The naked eye of a naked person probably won’t be able to tell the difference. This is why it is important that you know your body. If you ever see any type of red bump on your love machine, figure out what it is.

Just using a condom is not enough. Warts, lice, jock itch and herpes can all still be communicated with a condom. If you don’t know what you have, do not take the risk. That said, even if there isn’t anything there, it’s still important to use a condom. Raincoats help prevent little red bumps and little red, screaming babies. So, don’t get stuck with a big red lump; wrap your stump before you hump.

__Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex columnist. She checks her privates daily.__

Growing up, I loved “Saved By the Bell” and “Family Matters.” See also: “Salute Your Shorts,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” “Clarissa Explains It All” and “The Cosby Show.” I liked them because they were funny and simple and because they were only 30 minutes long. After Steve Urkel accidentally mixed psilocybin mushrooms with the dog’s food — or whatever crazy hijinks he got involved in that week — and uttered his chalkboard-scratch of a catchphrase, everything would be resolved and back to normal.

These types of shows offered a standard template for filtering and understanding life because things like letter jackets, marching band outfits and thick, heavy glasses were labeled and spit out in a way that we were all too happy to suck up through our sippy cups.

Here’s the thing about our generation: We knew high school life before we reached that age ourselves. We knew Zack, Slater, Screech and any number of other faceless stock characters before any of us needed lockers, gym shorts or trapper-keepers. We inhaled the lessons of Bayside High, in between hits of TRL, before heading off to school days punctuated by snacktimes and crafts (not being mutually exclusive, depending on your palate with regards to Elmer’s glue). Thus, when we showed up to middle school, high school, Little League, the Jewish Community Center, co-ed jazz-tap and every other extracurricular meeting, we applied these lessons to our own lives — we cast our own show.

The thing about those shows is they don’t really exist anymore. The ’90s served as the last, glorious death-rattle of the sitcom as a cultural institution. And yet, the sitcom survives as a unifying feature of our generation’s childhood. I want to see how this whole approach to social life — almost a binomial nomenclature for your relations (Jockus dickheaddus, or Dorkus wedgietrix, perhaps?)— still applies in the here-and-now.

Let’s take an honest look around at the state colleges to see how they fit into the ’90s-sitcom approach to social order. You’ve got James Madison University, the partier; University of Virginia, the frathead; Virginia Tech, the jock; Virginia Commonwealth University, the drama geek; and us — the nerds. These reputation, the automatic assumptions of high school seniors Commonwealth-wide, are spot on. But before you throw your 27-function calculator at my head — though I feel invited to make a comment about the likelihood of you hitting anything with your girlish arms — let me serve up a little truth. Our frats are in dorms (though maybe not for long), the most coveted seats on campus are in the library, and this college town has dedicated more floorspace to pancake houses than bars with a ratio which suggests either a disturbing trend bordering on some sort of maple syrup addiction-epidemic, or that we’ve been relocated secretly to Utah.

In the spirit of full disclosure, however, I have to own up to something. This crackpot theory first came to me over a pint-sized glass of delicious beer, at the Green Leafe, during trivia night — if I am to be completely open. And it came to me, because what could be more nerd-ish than a packed bar all frantically trying to remember the capital of Mozambique, or which state produces the largest amount of hydrogenated corn oil (correct answer: no one cares). But then again, there they were, drinking — and on a school night, even.

All of this suggested something else to me — something about why the sitcom died, or at least changed fundamentally, and about why our beloved shows now feel as removed from us as distant relatives in dusty photo albums. Additionally, this same suggestion could be why the most popular shows nowadays — “Lost,” “24,” “Heroes,” “House” — offer fewer answers than working solutions and are much more of a mixed bag in terms of happy endings and sunset-riding. This suggests that there’s something much more complex at work here, far more irreducible than old television shows or sub-par Variety columns might be able to pin down: People are rich with talents, idiosyncrasies and contradictions, if not with an encyclopedic knowledge of Sub-Saharan capitals. And no matter how much cool juice you drink, in a half-hour you still have a hallucinating dog on your hands, and you might actually have to wait and see how this one plays out.

__Brad Clark is a Confusion Corner columnist. He tunes into the “Saved by the Bell” reruns every morning on TBS.__