Eva Jaber ’28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
On Thursday evening, I walked past a restaurant while dressed like the Lorax, and a group of diners on the patio applauded me. I think I peaked at that moment: Thursday, Oct. 29 at 9:44 p.m.
Reaching a level of aura I will never again eclipse in this lifetime gave me some perspective. It’s all downhill from here. Who am I to try to satirically guide others through their college years? Who am I to play God? Every other week, I sift through wonderful questions, and I only answer one. I imbue one question with life while the others lie dead and destitute in my Instagram archive. The hubris. The audacity. The gall! No longer. I am not the girl I was yesterday; I am much worse (because, as we’ve already discussed, I peaked on Thursday — keep up). I don’t trust myself anymore to pick just one question. What if in the process of my gradual demise I overlook the best query of the bunch? I can’t have that happen, so I’m going to answer ten of the Halloween-themed questions submitted this week. You know what they say: quantity over quality! Here we go…
1) “How to come up with good costume ideas no glue no borax?”
Sorry, I don’t know how to do that without such essential ingredients. I’m a satire advice columnist, not a witch.
2) “Trick or treat?????”
Justice for the tricks. We should normalize answering the door with lies instead of candy. I’ve heard that tomfoolery is the modern man’s treat. This year, instead of being like, “Happy Halloween! Here’s some candy,” you should be like, “Hey kiddo! Did you know that Shakira just got appointed attorney general?”
3) “Sustainability with costume ideas?”
Are we talking about environmental sustainability or something versatile that can last you all three days of Halloweekend? For environmental sustainability, I’m thinking we go in the direction of all sticking our heads in our dorm recycling bins and wearing them as hats. For something to last you all three days, I always love a costume that’s so itchy it induces hives and some sort of cheap adhesive facial hair that causes a rash on my face. Then I can just show off my allergic reaction the second day and say I’m dressed as contact dermatitis. For the last day, I’d cover the irritation with over-the-counter creams and go as a ghost. Boom. Sustainability.
4) “Hi Eva! Can you give me some strange and/or unusual Halloween costume ideas?”
No one ever dresses up as their neighbors. Like imagine you get a knock on your door and it’s just your choppelgänger. Someone has to do it.
5) “How can I maximize my candy output if I’m too old to go trick or treating?”
My favorite idiom is “like taking candy from a baby.” When you actually try it, the phrase makes so much more sense! It’s so stinking easy to steal stuff from babies. They also don’t have teeth yet, so they probably shouldn’t be eating candy anyway. By stealing from them, you’re doing the toothless thief magnets some good!
6) “Team Jacob or Team Edward?”
Team Jacob all the way. Although I’m confused why someone submitted this in my call for queries. I don’t see where the question is here.
7) “How to effectively scare someone?”
Tell them you’re Team Edward. They’ll be deeply disturbed.
8) “The nostalgia of making your own Halloween costume?”
I don’t really get nostalgic about creative processes. When I was a child, I didn’t make my own Halloween costumes. Instead, I would barter my way to a crown jewel costume. Like Dwight from “The Office,” I’d show up to school with a thumbtack and trade it for things that were increasingly valuable until I went home with the ultimate prize, like a school bus or the principal’s ID. Imagine a 7-year-old driving a school bus to your home and demanding candy. That’s aura. It sounds so cool it’s almost unrealistic. But when have I ever lied to my readers? If you’ve got any concerns, you’ll have to take them up with Attorney General Shakira.
9) “What was your favorite Halloween thing to do when you were little?”
Oh my gosh, this is such a good one. I would always try to guess which neighbors were part of our Homeowners Association so I could ask them to stop sending us citations to powerwash our siding.
10) “What’s the best candy for trick or treaters?”
You know how everyone would get annoyed when the dentist that lived in their neighborhood passed out floss instead of candy? Those complainers are weak and unintelligent. Material things are so much more valuable than a fun size Milky Way bar or a box of Nerds the size of an adolescent hamster. The best candy for trick or treaters isn’t candy at all; it’s practical items that won’t expire in a year’s time. I’m talking about paper clips, cuff links, reusable sporks, etc. No to candy; yes to commodities.
Alright. That’s all I’ve got for today. I was at my strongest at exactly 9:44 p.m. this Thursday. You could say my spirit has been Halloweakened since then. But like a phoenix from the ashes, trust I’ll rise. Everybody loves a comeback, and my regularly scheduled one is in exactly 14 days from now. See you in two weeks.
